just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
