its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
How does it feel to date your dad?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
