When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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