I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My ass is underappreciated
Terrible idea I love it
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
