When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
