There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
