And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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