I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
