When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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