We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
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