dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
