Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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