please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
