Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
