I think I won the penis lottery.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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