One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
