I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
