Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
