I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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