She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I met the friendliest cop last night
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
