Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
We left the knife in your bed.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
