We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
