I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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