Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
