I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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