Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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