Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
