i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
