mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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