i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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