I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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