I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
