it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
