your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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