Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
