I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We were destined to go to rehab together
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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