Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
