so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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