it wasn't lemon gatorade
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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