his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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