I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He has the fingertips of a God
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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