I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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