dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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