I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
