It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
