I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
