so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
