sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
