What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
