I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
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Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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