I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
