where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
