my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
