Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
